Five To One: Really Bad Movies

Posted by Chris on November 13th 2008 with 4 Comments »

Stargazing_Philip Byrne

Showgirls

In 1995, Paul Verhoeven had everything going for him: he was working in the Hollywood big leagues, and had scored a deuce with the witty and explosive Robocop in the 80s. Time to derail the train, then, with a stupidly lurid sex drama like Showgirls. Aside from just being awful, there are some genuinely funny set-ups in it, like the pool sex scene where Liz Berkley kisses her career goodbye amid splashy over-exaggerations.

28 Days Later

Danny Boyle was shambling around looking for credibility with a Trainspotting hangover, when he discovered that by stealing the plots of two George A Romero movies he could turn out a really ‘uncompromising’ horror movie where all the straight-up horror is spoiled by jittery camera work and too much shouting. No doubt spawning a twelve disc box set as we speak.

I Want Candy

When Carmen Electra is your movie’s selling point you know you’re in deep trouble, and this ridiculous British sex comedy just keeps going down hill from there. A gang of bright-eyed film students get into oo-er missus scrapes as they try to make a porno in their mum’s house, while the mob are on their tale and their audience try to fit their entire fist inside their mouths to distract from what they’re seeing.

Talladega Nights

Take a sport that nobody outside of barbecue-obsessed southern America gives a hoot about, assume French, British, Spanish, Japanese and German people have a clue what it is, and toss in a decidedly unfunny Will Ferrell for good measure. And isn’t John C Reilly meant to be a serious actor? He’s like a geeky mate trying to get in on the new thing, for God’s sake.

xXx

It’s honestly hard to call xXx a ‘bad’ movie, but we’re going to stick to the conventional approach and denounce it as crap despite its many, many hilarious moments. Xander Cage, an extreme sports criminal badass who ‘lives for this shit’ is sent in to blow up stuff and do extreme stuff and other stuff until the credits roll and enough money has been spent on all the stuff he does. Vin Diesel looks like a giant musclebound phallus in this film, which is rather fitting.

4 Comments

As a massive film affectionado and indeed film maker myself, I have to question the critical credentials of ‘Chris’ for including 28 Days Later in this list?

Perhaps you are simply not a fan of non-derivative modern horror? Or maybe unwilling to watch kinetic camerawork being invented - as 28 Days Later is cinematographically held as a seminal film in not only kinetic framing but in digital film making - right before your eyes.

I do feel like I’m unloading on you with both barrels but honestly, you could have picked a thousand other films with which I may not have agreed with an inclusion but certainly would not have pitched an argument against.

28 Days Later is a masterpiece in grassroots film making, and the documentary style shoot and energetic camerawork should be taken for what it is.

P.S - I think you’ve missed out the rest of Mr. Boyle’s career when you opened your paragraph because if anything, his post-Trainspotting hangover is ‘A Life Less Ordinary’.

…have you heard of it? ;)

Regards…
Matt

Matthew Alexander Patton on 5th December - 7:19pm

Hi Matthew. Philip Byrne wrote the piece, not me! I just posted it up online. So I’m not going to get involved, maybe he will though.

Chris on 8th December - 2:35pm

Not sure where you got the idea John C. Reilly was a “serious” actor. He’s played some straight roles but his forte has always been comedy acting. It’s also a hilarious film!

Dave on 15th January - 1:32pm

edit: “you” being the writer, not the poster :)

Dave on 15th January - 1:32pm

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