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Stargazing_Philip Byrne

Showgirls

In 1995, Paul Verhoeven had everything going for him: he was working in the Hollywood big leagues, and had scored a deuce with the witty and explosive Robocop in the 80s. Time to derail the train, then, with a stupidly lurid sex drama like Showgirls. Aside from just being awful, there are some genuinely funny set-ups in it, like the pool sex scene where Liz Berkley kisses her career goodbye amid splashy over-exaggerations.

28 Days Later

Danny Boyle was shambling around looking for credibility with a Trainspotting hangover, when he discovered that by stealing the plots of two George A Romero movies he could turn out a really ‘uncompromising’ horror movie where all the straight-up horror is spoiled by jittery camera work and too much shouting. No doubt spawning a twelve disc box set as we speak.

I Want Candy

When Carmen Electra is your movie’s selling point you know you’re in deep trouble, and this ridiculous British sex comedy just keeps going down hill from there. A gang of bright-eyed film students get into oo-er missus scrapes as they try to make a porno in their mum’s house, while the mob are on their tale and their audience try to fit their entire fist inside their mouths to distract from what they’re seeing.

Talladega Nights

Take a sport that nobody outside of barbecue-obsessed southern America gives a hoot about, assume French, British, Spanish, Japanese and German people have a clue what it is, and toss in a decidedly unfunny Will Ferrell for good measure. And isn’t John C Reilly meant to be a serious actor? He’s like a geeky mate trying to get in on the new thing, for God’s sake.

xXx

It’s honestly hard to call xXx a ‘bad’ movie, but we’re going to stick to the conventional approach and denounce it as crap despite its many, many hilarious moments. Xander Cage, an extreme sports criminal badass who ‘lives for this shit’ is sent in to blow up stuff and do extreme stuff and other stuff until the credits roll and enough money has been spent on all the stuff he does. Vin Diesel looks like a giant musclebound phallus in this film, which is rather fitting.

Posted on: 27th January 2010

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