Five To One: Action Heroes

Here lie the five men responsible for the existence of stuntmen’s careers during the halcyon days of the eighties action movie. Sometimes rude, always abusive, and even occasionally drunk, these guys represent pretty much everything that AU look for in a potential hero figure today. Enjoy at your own risk.

5. Kurt Sloane (Kickboxer)
Walking, talking buttock Jean-Claude Van Damme truly ascended all prior art in the role of Sloane, a well-meaning kickboxer who sees his brother viciously crippled by the lardassed baddie Tong Po, before smashing his face in a few times. Especially fantastic is Van Damme’s ‘drunk dancing’ scene – look at them buns! Fun fact: Kickboxer is so heavy on the montages that it’s been proven to cause brain cancer in repeat viewings.

4. Jack Burton (Big Trouble In Little China)
As the main man behind the CV of the Pork Chop Express, Jack Burton (played by Daddish Kurt Russell) went on a craaazy mission to rescue a then sagless Kim Catrall from the ancient forces of evil, all while spouting his own surfer dude philosphy and wearing possibly the most 80s t-shirt in history. He later went on to form pop group Coldplay with his childhood friend, Chris Martin.

3. Joe Armstrong (American Ninja)
“Hiii-ya!” screamed acting powerhouse Michael Dudkioff in no less than four outings as the whitest Ninja known to a Japanese martial art. Altough ethnically sanitary, the character of Joe Armstrong had what it took to bring down the bad guy: he was an orphan, a drifter and a loner – this hardass sums up all that’s best in an action hero. He could even complete Bubble Bobble in one go.

2. Marion Cobretti (Cobra)
Sly may have punched above his weight in Rocky and shot to fame in Rambo, but he got seriously rad for 1984’s Cobra, basically a film about shooting and sunglasses. The Cobra (Sly himself) dresses like Faith-era George Michael, cracks wise like Spiderman and shoots like Clint, while never doing any paperwork or taking off his sunglasses. Ever.

1. John Alexander Matrix (Commando)
Remember when the critics promised Arnie could never make the world’s best movie? They lied. And boy, have they got eggs on their faces now. In the iron-clad guise of Col. John Alexander Matrix Arnie did battle with overweight Aussie moustache-holder Bennett (Vernon Wells) in a deadly duel for the life of his daughter ‘Chenny’. Political intrigue, the paternal burden and Reaganite America were poignantly explored through the use of dramatic knife-fighting.

Words_Philip Byrne

Issue #51 - I Told You This Would Be A Good Issue

Featuring Biffy Clyro, Of Montreal, Duke Special, Frightened Rabbit, Cold War Kids, Jay Reatard, Pat Mills, and more.